Do you know what you think? Do you know what it means?
2. Relate it to others before speaking:
Do you know what it means to others? How might it offend someone else? How might someone not fully understand the spirit of what you are trying to say?
3. Break down the walls:
What is keeping you from expressing what you really mean/feel? It is easy to pinpoint what emotion you want to convey, but it is harder to properly convey that emotion if you aren't completely honest with yourself and others.
4. Care:
Why is it important? To you? To others? How does the effect what you say and how?
5. Listen:
Repeat steps 1 - 4 but from the perspective of the person (or people) you are listening to. The other person is going through the same thought process that you went through. Your job as a listener is to follow them on their thought process to discover what they are saying, how it affects you and others, and why it is important. At the same time, you have to respect the fact that they had to become vulnerable to do such. The other person is trusting that you will exert the effort to try and understand his/her point of view.
The above “This I Believe” essay discusses the inequalities in society. Paige talks about how the founding fathers believed that all men are created equal. She then explains how she believes today’s society shows the opposite. There was a time when I would agree with Paige. Everyone is born into a unique disposition with different advantages and disadvantages based on race, gender, religion, socio-economic status, orientation… the list goes on.
Being gay and growing up in the Mid-West, I was specifically aware of the inequalities present in my community: race, socio-economic status, gender, and orientation being the largest characteristics exploited by society. Even though segregation has been outlawed, it still exists in the city. The difference between public and private schools is the difference between going to college and not. Public high schools have a 40% graduation rate, my high school has a 99.9% graduation rate. College acceptance rate: about 20% and 99.9%, respectively. While it is illegal to base a pay difference on gender, my mom is paid less than a man in her office that has the same position, less experience, and less time at the company. While gay rights have improved in the city, there is a difference between the urban and rural perspectives. Growing up, I would hear and sometimes see protests from the Westboro Baptist Church. (warning, the following link expresses very offensive political views of the WBB, proceed with caution. wiki article here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westboro_Baptist_Church) During February of last year the WBB visited my high school to protest Catholic education, slander and libel the Jesuit priests, and express their views on the GLBTQ community. At this time in my life I would have agreed with Paige in that “all people are NOT created equal.”
However, as I have matured and thought over life, I have come to realize that the issue is not that we are “created” in inequality, but treated so. To say that “all people are created equal” does not attempt to deny the socio-economic, racial, gender, orientation… differences in society. Instead, it is said in an effort to foster equal treatment that sees past those differences. To say that we are created equal but treated otherwise shifts the blame from “destiny” or “fate” to the people instituting hate and inequality. Being born gay does not make me a minority subject to hate speech and prejudice. But being born into a society that is prone to stereotypes, prejudice, and inequalities is the problem. We cannot simply blame fate for society’s shortcomings. We cannot change the situation we are born into. We do not choose our parents before we are born. We do not choose to grow up in rich or poor. We do not choose our race or ethnicity. We do not choose our orientation. Fate is ambiguous, but people are definite. We cannot hope to change fate without realizing the true cause of inequalities: people.
I believe that instead of saying “All People Are Not Created Equal” is would be more accurate to say “All People Are Not Treated Equal”
Well my situation is a little complex, so I’ll just start from the beginning and hope it all makes sense. Around second grade I started to notice that I felt different. Being a second grader, however, I didn’t understand what was different about me. However, I did understand that my difference was not one that was celebrated, rather it was discouraged. You see, when I was in pre-school both of my parents had long work days. The only family time I can remember is on Friday evenings when we would go into the living room, let me pick out a VHS and play it through the VCR (anyone remember what those look like?). Being a pre-schooler I often repeated my same two favorite videos: Cats and Riverdance. As a four year old I vaguely remember acting out the scenes to Cats and putting on my own reenactment of Riverdance in the living room. The point of all this is that in first grade I began Irish step dance lessons to have my own Riverdance experience.
The What
Well as you can expect that didn’t go so great in school. Looking back, I started to feel like I had to hide myself when at school. It was in my daily practices and monthly competitions that I felt true to myself. Fast forward to sixth grade, I felt fed up with having to hide. However, my solution as a sixth grader was to quit Irish dance. The following years I felt like I had lost my identity. I still had Scouting, but I didn’t feel comfortable being myself. Instead of being more self expressive, I built up walls and tried to “normalize” myself.
The So What
Looking back to before second grade, I would have described myself as an extrovert. I hated leaving school to be home alone for the rest of the day. I felt more comfortable in larger groups of people and felt anxious when I has by myself. To cope, I would play with my golden retriever, Conor, who had been with my family before I was born. Conor became my best friend at home when my parents were to tired from a long day of work. I would even talk to Conor and take his facial expressions and reactions as communication. While some might not understand this, I truly felt like he understood what I was going through.
The point of all this is that around first and second grade, I felt like my personality changed. It was after starting Irish dance that I began to have two versions of myself: one that was energetic and loved the attention I got at dance practice and competitions and the me at school that all of the sudden felt alienated and no longer like the social interaction. In this sense, I think that the Myers-Briggs test would have shown a completely different me if I had taken it before first grade. When I started to hide who I was I began to take on characteristics of the introvert type. Being home alone except for my dog and a resting mom on 4 out of 5 school days forced me to adapt to be able to handle playing by myself. I remember telling my dad one day that I wanted to have friends over every day because I felt lonely and didn’t know how to keep myself busy. This began my lego obsession. I had a nearly limitless access to express myself by building legos and I didn't have to invite a friend over.
The Now What
Having lived hiding who I am since first grade and learning how to play on my own as a pre-schooler I changed into a more introverted self. But the fact remains, that I was born an extrovert. While I have adapted to become more introverted, 6 on the MBTI, I am built to be an extrovert. As I have continued my coming out process I have realized that I have been holding myself back all of theses years, starting with Irish step dance and, relatively more recent on a conscious level, my sexuality. While I am becoming more open with who I am with friends and faculty, I am discovering that I no longer feel comfortable living with my forced introvert characteristics. Waiting to say something before other people stems from an insecurity with my identity, not a born tendency. Wanting to have time to myself to recharge comes from having to adapt to that situation as a kid and the later insecurities with my identity. It wasn’t until earlier this week when I realized that while I am struggling to accept my sexual identity I am also struggling to understand which is more comfortable: introvert or extrovert. I’ve noticed that my alone time has become less relaxing and more taxing. I feel recharged by socializing in and outside of class. My “introverted self” was born of my insecurities and fear that have built up since I was 7. I have been living more than half of my life trying to adapt to make myself more comfortable but in the end only making myself less so. As I figure out my own identity as being gay I am also feeling the tension caused by wanting to be my natural extroverted self but having the introverted me weight down that which was once natural. The question "Who am I” is no longer restricted to my identity as a gay college freshmen trying to accept himself for what he is, but also figuring out how I best interact with others and myself.
During last week’s class I had come to realize that it is
easy to have values, ideals, goals, and dreams.
Yes, having them is easy. The difficulty starts when you decide to live them. The last post-it note I kept was labeled
"true to self." By "true
to self" I mean knowing who you are, your identity, what you value, and
what you believe. But at the same time, I also refer to being accepting of
yourself, both your flaws and strengths.
For me, I have struggled to fully accept myself, until recently, as
gay.
In Jessie J's song, "Who You Are," I found the
following verses to hold the most meaning for me:
Why am I doing this to myself?
I nearly left the real me on the
self
Don't lose who you are in the blur
of the starts
Its ok to not be ok
Sometimes it's hard to follow you
heart
Tears don't mean you losing,
everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
There's nothing wrong with who you
are
In CTW with Dr. Carroll, my class has read
"The Left Hand of Darkness" by Ursula Le Guin, which talks about how
being vulnerable and open to others is the only way you can make lasting and
fulfilling relationships. For the past
four years, I had been doing the opposite by building up walls and
"leaving the real me on the shelf."
In my fear of accepting who I am I had lost the very definition of
myself. I chose this song to realize my
lack of congruence and to take the steps I need to better emulate being true to
myself. With all the voices of fear in
my head arguing with what I feel in my heart, I have truly come to know and
will continue to learn the meaning of "sometimes its hard to follow your
heart." The only change I would
make to that lyric is to remove sometimes.
At least for me, "it's hard to follow your heart" holds more
weight.
In the post-it note exercise, I noticed how many people had
difficulty choosing which note to recycle.
While I shared in this frustration, I knew exactly which post-it would
not be recycled.
PS: I would appreciate it if everyone would keep this within
our emerging leaders class, at least for now.
Thanks!
I also found some great photos from Facebook that I think
really applies to what we are learning in class and I wanted to share with you
guys:
