Personal Tensions: Who am I?

The Setup 

Well my situation is a little complex, so I’ll just start from the beginning and hope it all makes sense.  Around second grade I started to notice that I felt different.  Being a second grader, however, I didn’t understand what was different about me.  However, I did understand that my difference was not one that was celebrated, rather it was discouraged.  You see, when I was in pre-school both of my parents had long work days.  The only family time I can remember is on Friday evenings when we would go into the living room, let me pick out a VHS and play it through the VCR (anyone remember what those look like?).  Being a pre-schooler I often repeated my same two favorite videos: Cats and Riverdance.  As a four year old I vaguely remember acting out the scenes to Cats and putting on my own reenactment of Riverdance in the living room.  The point of all this is that in first grade I began Irish step dance lessons to have my own Riverdance experience. 

The What 

Well as you can expect that didn’t go so great in school.  Looking back, I started to feel like I had to hide myself when at school.  It was in my daily practices and monthly competitions that I felt true to myself.  Fast forward to sixth grade, I felt fed up with having to hide.  However, my solution as a sixth grader was to quit Irish dance.  The following years I felt like I had lost my identity.  I still had Scouting, but I didn’t feel comfortable being myself.  Instead of being more self expressive, I built up walls and tried to “normalize” myself.  

The So What 

Looking back to before second grade, I would have described myself as an extrovert.  I hated leaving school to be home alone for the rest of the day.  I felt more comfortable in larger groups of people and felt anxious when I has by myself.  To cope, I would play with my golden retriever, Conor, who had been with my family before I was born.  Conor became my best friend at home when my parents were to tired from a long day of work.  I would even talk to Conor and take his facial expressions and reactions as communication.  While some might not understand this, I truly felt like he understood what I was going through.  

The point of all this is that around first and second grade, I felt like my personality changed.  It was after starting Irish dance that I began to have two versions of myself: one that was energetic and loved the attention I got at dance practice and competitions and the me at school that all of the sudden felt alienated and no longer like the social interaction.  In this sense, I think that the Myers-Briggs test would have shown a completely different me if I had taken it before first grade.  When I started to hide who I was I began to take on characteristics of the introvert type.  Being home alone except for my dog and a resting mom on 4 out of 5 school days forced me to adapt to be able to handle playing by myself.  I remember telling my dad one day that I wanted to have friends over every day because I felt lonely and didn’t know how to keep myself busy.  This began my lego obsession.  I had a nearly limitless access to express myself by building legos and I didn't have to invite a friend over.  

The Now What

Having lived hiding who I am since first grade and learning how to play on my own as a pre-schooler I changed into a more introverted self.  But the fact remains, that I was born an extrovert.  While I have adapted to become more introverted, 6 on the MBTI, I am built to be an extrovert.  As I have continued my coming out process I have realized that I have been holding myself back all of theses years, starting with Irish step dance and, relatively more recent on a conscious level, my sexuality.  While I am becoming more open with who I am with friends and faculty, I am discovering that I no longer feel comfortable living with my forced introvert characteristics.  Waiting to say something before other people stems from an insecurity with my identity, not a born tendency.  Wanting to have time to myself to recharge comes from having to adapt to that situation as a kid and the later insecurities with my identity.  

It wasn’t until earlier this week when I realized that while I am struggling to accept my sexual identity I am also struggling to understand which is more comfortable: introvert or extrovert.  I’ve noticed that my alone time has become less relaxing and more taxing.  I feel recharged by socializing in and outside of class.  My “introverted self” was born of my insecurities and fear that have built up since I was 7.  I have been living more than half of my life trying to adapt to make myself more comfortable but in the end only making myself less so.  As I figure out my own identity as being gay I am also feeling the tension caused by wanting to be my natural extroverted self but having the introverted me weight down that which was once natural.  The question "Who am I” is no longer restricted to my identity as a gay college freshmen trying to accept himself for what he is, but also figuring out how I best interact with others and myself.